Oh, I'll get by with a little help from my friends

Yes, I'll get high with a little help from my friends

I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends

Merry...

3, or 4, 430, even 5...
O-h so way much better than santa...
[guess what letter i'm thinking 'bout?]

~ iris 236 ~

this rain doesn't come so often,
and these tears are just the same.
it's not the things that haunt me,
but those that have left, i blame.
beneath the forest's gaze,
the wind's hymn does play.
saving up what's left of its strength,
for the hope of a better day.
and here i've been waiting,
under this ancient sky.
waiting for the perfect moment,
to finally say goodbye.

[jackie pastrama]

sean, you always said that you'd beat this, in life or in death, you would beat this. as it was pointed out today, by many, you did, in fact, beat it ~ it destroyed your body, but it never managed to destroy your spirit.

farewell, angel among angels. you will be missed.

~ Requiem for a Friend ~

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Close your eyes
And bow your head
To rest your soul
And to praise the dead

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Dry your eyes
And stand upright
Put a smile on your face
He wouldn't want us to cry

The sun will rise
The stars will shine
Turning day to dusk
And night to dawn
We'll pass on
But until that time

Say Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Say Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Have mercy
It's a wonderful life
Eternal rest for the weary
Mourners party tonight

Say Hallelujah
Throw up your hands
The bucket is kicked
The body is gone

Wave your hands
But don't say goodbye
We're all gonna meet you
On the other side

[t.c.]

~23~

Farewell, sweet Sean.
You will be missed.

[12/9/84 - 12/9/07]

11

In Memoriam: M.R. 1/8/76 - 12/9/96

And when I chose to live
There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed
It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost
So I was not lost or found

[...]

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets into who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all

[but you already know this, you were there]

I'll leave my window open
Cause I'm too tired tonight
To call your name
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll come in with the rain

say your goodbyes, hold on to the memories

I don’t pretend to have the answer to this.
What do you do when there’s nothing else to do? What do you do when all hope is gone and only a machine is keeping them alive? I find myself irremediably torn between the impossibility of letting them go, and the unbearable sadness of seeing them suffer. If on the one hand I love them too much to see them suffer, and wish they weren’t in pain anymore, on the other hand I just can’t let go. I just can’t. In both occasions, it wasn’t my call. What would I have done, had I been a mother? A sister? A wife?
A few days ago, after visiting him again in the hospital, I wrote this:

~the deepest cut is the desperate cry for help in the eyes of a friend, the request you cannot honor, that leaves you powerless in the wake of an unavoidable tragedy~

I have seen this before, and it’s still perfectly clear in my memory. The evil that gnaws away at them, little by little, eating away the hope as well. It’s tragic in any situation, but when it touches you, when it hits home, and when it affects people who have barely entered their twenties, well, it’s just plain cruel. Very selfishly, I know, I say that it is cruel. But I have no other way to say it. It’s plain and simply unfair.
And who do you blame? What do you do? How do you cope? I have seen people smile, people laugh, people pray. I sat there. Frozen. I can’t smile. Let alone laugh. I really don’t know how to pray. And even though at times casting blame is a way to overcome grief, what can you blame in this case? Or who? Whose fault is this?
So, unable to do anything else, I just sat there. And I remembered.

Remembered two people who had their entire lives in front of them. Both very smart, bright young men, strong, healthy, generous, loving. I remembered their strength, their determination in the face of the greatest obstacles, their willingness never to give up, their wonderful smiles, the ability to joke, laugh and have fun even when they would have had every right to be bitter, every right to complain, to be spiteful.

In my memories, I held their hands, heard their voices, looked into their eyes, laughed with them. I remembered their legacy: their strength. The compassion. The faith. The love for life. No matter what.

When you have a problem that seems insurmountable, when you feel like the world is falling apart, that everything is crumbling down around you, and you find no way out, please take a moment and think about them. Think about those two young men. And feel blessed – if anything, because you are still here, healthy and alive, with the possibility to do all you desire. With friends who care about you, who are there for you.

I’m here for you.

the smell of hospitals in winter...

... and the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters,
but no pearls...

i wish i knew how to pray.
i just know how to hope.

beating the odds

it's easier when you get a hint

help

it's not beating the odds
it's slow dancing

in a burning room

with fate

and knowing that
for once
you win

whatever it is...

... keep it coming...


... i know
how
to
swim...

~ wipe out ~

The courage
[opportunity?]
to change one's mind

just write
your thoughts
in erasable
ink

~ don't stand so close to me ~

~ synesthesia ~

when the senses
come to the point
of melting with everything around
like rubber in fire
like snow in the sun

there's more than just a maybe

the texture of a word
the taste of a smile
the sound of skin


it's like the flame that burns you from the core
it's the heat that makes you weak

it's a fire inside

[and it's yours for the taking, if you're willing to run the risk of getting burnt]

not the only one

i don't *know* if i'm *great* - i just do my job with a high degree of passion, and if it makes me *great*, even better. i simply like what i do.
but the rest holds oh-so true for me, too.
you're not the only one. and neither am i. helps, a bit at least.
[with the only difference that mine is not a fear, it's a certainty]

name your price

just last summer i turned down an unexpected (and unwelcome) gift. i felt i was being bought out, lured with palatable (meh) objects in exchange for some sort of forgiveness, or my affection, or both, may well be. i was so determined in rejecting said bait, without the slightest doubt.

and now? why can't i do the same now? maybe because the object i am offered is indeed more desirable (and desired)? but isn't this also an attempt at buying my affection? my acceptance? my forgiveness? me?

was i rejecting a past that has no reason to exist anymore? the chance of being reminded of something i'd gladly erase from my memory? and now, am i willingly accepting the fleeting possibility of a future that's not so painful and disappointing as the past? or am i just merely, disgustingly taking advantage of the possibility of saving money and not having to pay for something expensive myself, so that i can get something else i want?

i can't make up my mind. i can't understand if i'm rejecting people or principles here. it's confusing. the only thing i know for sure is that i should be happy and grateful to receive something, anything.

so why am i not?

~sappy moment~

http://www.nygirlofmydreams.com/

i want to be the girl of someone's dreams...
please find me...

and on that note...

the way you laugh at me is *exactly* the reason why i keep silent. it's the impalpable gasoline that just perfectly fuels the inextinguishable fire of my perception of inadequacy.

thank you, so much.

1, 2, 3

Today I had the piercing epiphany that I have been unable to verbalize for a long time. All of a sudden the concept hit me in the face, swimming upstream through the cascade of your nebulously conceptualized explanation of an equally incomprehensible (uh huh, to moi and moi alone, don't I feel special) blabber.

I'm fraudulently participating in your world.

Too practical for your abstractism, it still takes me a leap of faith to assume you can take me seriously and allow me to pretend a little longer. Just the handful of months it takes me to get out of here, don't worry. I'll be gone before you know it. Or notice it, not that it makes much difference in the grand scheme of your world. Bottom line is, I paid the multiply overpriced ticket which entitles (wtf?) me to a front-row seat, witnessing my own beating ~ psychological, what are you thinking? ~ and I come to terms day after day, talk after talk, with the realization that I'll just never live up to your expectations.

You know what? I'm ok with it.

I learned a long time ago to respectfully bow, and gracefully make myself scarce. One moment I'm here, you see me, you hear me, you smell me, you notice me [stop staring, will ya? i ain't a fish in a bowl, just mildly amusing] you deal with me. One moment I'm here, and the next
I

am

gone

Miss?
me?