name your price

just last summer i turned down an unexpected (and unwelcome) gift. i felt i was being bought out, lured with palatable (meh) objects in exchange for some sort of forgiveness, or my affection, or both, may well be. i was so determined in rejecting said bait, without the slightest doubt.

and now? why can't i do the same now? maybe because the object i am offered is indeed more desirable (and desired)? but isn't this also an attempt at buying my affection? my acceptance? my forgiveness? me?

was i rejecting a past that has no reason to exist anymore? the chance of being reminded of something i'd gladly erase from my memory? and now, am i willingly accepting the fleeting possibility of a future that's not so painful and disappointing as the past? or am i just merely, disgustingly taking advantage of the possibility of saving money and not having to pay for something expensive myself, so that i can get something else i want?

i can't make up my mind. i can't understand if i'm rejecting people or principles here. it's confusing. the only thing i know for sure is that i should be happy and grateful to receive something, anything.

so why am i not?