i've been going back and forth in my head about the meaning of wedding days, given that my own is approaching at fast pace. i have been trying to figure out why they are considered such a big deal, when it's, after all, a celebration that lasts the allotted time of the ceremony, and the time spent eating at the restaurant.
i always believed that what really mattered, in the realm of marriage, was finding out that the person you love has mutual feelings for you and, like you, wants to embark on the path of a shared life. i thought that, more than the wedding per se, what mattered was the marriage, intended as the everyday life that follows the ceremony. shouldn't that be celebrated instead?
maybe it's because i don't particularly like the flow of cash that usually goes into such celebration. i can't stop thinking how many people could be fed with the money one pays for a wedding dress, for instance. or the flower arrangements, let alone the catering, the cake and, yes, the wedding bands.
granted, i've been part of the planning of a fairly simple ceremony and reception combo, without the pomp and circumstance of some other weddings i have witnessed either in person or in photograph. i know we tried to boil it down to the essential, and i am satisfied with the outcome (at least i am on paper - in practice, i'll find out soon enough). we managed to have nice, colorful clothes, very pretty rings, good food, without breaking the bank.
but
organizing a wedding is not just the undoubtedly fun part of choosing what to wear and look for the shoes to match. it involves the much less fun part of having to tell parents and relatives that you have decided to get married; the even less fun part of finding a place where the ceremony can take place and the restaurant where you can feed your guests; and the least fun part of deciding who to invite and who to, unfortunately but inevitably, leave out (whether for lack of space or low degree of acquaintance, but that's another story altogether).
none of the above has been easy. and i'm not saying just from the logistics point of view. it has been a nightmare from the emotional point of view, a roller coaster worthy of the most cringing vomit-related tales. and i'm speaking for myself here because i can only account for what i felt on my own skin. distance, ostracism, rejection, prejudice, close-mindedness, fear, avoidance, mistrust, disorganization, miscommunication, jealousy, secrecy, absence, silence. all of these uninvited guests have been tossed into the mix, in various degrees according to the day, and each had its chance to shine for longer than the proverbial 15 minutes.
maybe this is the real reason why i'm probably not enjoying this process as (i'm told) i'm supposed to. people tell me it's supposed to be the best time of my life, leading to the most important day of my life. what i feel, in turn is that i'm going though one of the most stressful periods i've ever been through (matched in stress level only by studying for qualifying examinations for the doctoral degree). i dread the daily chance of something going wrong, in perfect murphy's law fashion, leading to a day that, with all due respect, pales in comparison to the day i found out that my feelings were reciprocated. that was, so far, the best day of my life. now i can't wait until the whole 'show' is over, so i can finally start what i believe will be the best time of my life.
