Jul 4, 2009

swirls of blue at sunrise

dazed and confused, numb, still awake at 5 am for who knows how much longer... read stuff i shouldn't have... just made it all worse than it already is... is there a bottom to this, at some point? it's silent outside, just the faint noise of cars on the freeway - where are you all going at this time of night? - and crickets, or whatever other critter makes that noise. it's a night, summery noise. summer. i like heat, but i have come to dislike summers. it was the time of year i loved the most, the time when i would go to the beach, see friends i hadn't seen in a whole year, enjoy freedom, swim, be in the water. now summer is time for silence, for distance, loneliness. now i hate summer. too much pain came from summer. and i have to go through it just to wait for the fall, just to come face to face with yet another nightmare. my world, infected, again. will i make it? will i be able to take it? will i get used to the feeling of blood freezing in my veins every time, cold sweat, muscles blocked? run away. i need to learn to run, and then start running and not stop. or get a car, and drive away. i wish i could walk to the beach now, sit by the water. i wish i didn't know how to swim. almost left. but where to go? and what for? i don't like the expiration date i have been given. i'm not an object. i feel like one. plastic. recyclable. bends, never breaks. glass core. shattered a long time ago. pick up the pieces, will you? put it together. 'we can make it better, we have the technology.' alanis as god, with a fancy skirt and long hair. like mine. would i look prettier with shorter hair? would i look pretty enough this time? thinner? taller? darker? malleable, like plastic, indeed. say what you want, you'll have it. genetically engineered perfection to fill your void. there once was something i was good at, i forgot what it was. i forgot a lot. poster child for lack of brain capacity due to sleep deprivation - hang on, i'll give you a photo. lack of short-term memory, they call it. and a scar, still there. did you know that? and everything else? the hidden, the unspoken, what i do and don't say. if you knew, what would you say? speechless, probably. more cars on the freeway - where are you going? can i go with? or am i destined to see you come, and go, and leave me behind?

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

the correct word isn't prettiness, Gaia: the correct word is charisma. there are women who aren't beautiful at all, but they obtain everything they want. and they are loved, because they have charisma. you must be the goddess of yourself, the superstar of yourself, whatever your look is. and everybody will believe you. Be dependent on your love. don't be dependent on other people's love. charisma is in your personality, not in your look. charisma is what makes a body really attractive, not something perishable like natural beauty - not useless, expensive surgery. This is the true secret...
love,
charlottem.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Probably you shouldn't depend so much on other people's lives - you should just live your own. in this country everybody is running elsewhere, looking for somebody else...nothing is steady or permanent here...people want changes, they have always something else to do. They come and go. It's just life, you know...