beating the odds

it's easier when you get a hint

help

it's not beating the odds
it's slow dancing

in a burning room

with fate

and knowing that
for once
you win

whatever it is...

... keep it coming...


... i know
how
to
swim...

~ wipe out ~

The courage
[opportunity?]
to change one's mind

just write
your thoughts
in erasable
ink

~ don't stand so close to me ~

~ synesthesia ~

when the senses
come to the point
of melting with everything around
like rubber in fire
like snow in the sun

there's more than just a maybe

the texture of a word
the taste of a smile
the sound of skin


it's like the flame that burns you from the core
it's the heat that makes you weak

it's a fire inside

[and it's yours for the taking, if you're willing to run the risk of getting burnt]

not the only one

i don't *know* if i'm *great* - i just do my job with a high degree of passion, and if it makes me *great*, even better. i simply like what i do.
but the rest holds oh-so true for me, too.
you're not the only one. and neither am i. helps, a bit at least.
[with the only difference that mine is not a fear, it's a certainty]

name your price

just last summer i turned down an unexpected (and unwelcome) gift. i felt i was being bought out, lured with palatable (meh) objects in exchange for some sort of forgiveness, or my affection, or both, may well be. i was so determined in rejecting said bait, without the slightest doubt.

and now? why can't i do the same now? maybe because the object i am offered is indeed more desirable (and desired)? but isn't this also an attempt at buying my affection? my acceptance? my forgiveness? me?

was i rejecting a past that has no reason to exist anymore? the chance of being reminded of something i'd gladly erase from my memory? and now, am i willingly accepting the fleeting possibility of a future that's not so painful and disappointing as the past? or am i just merely, disgustingly taking advantage of the possibility of saving money and not having to pay for something expensive myself, so that i can get something else i want?

i can't make up my mind. i can't understand if i'm rejecting people or principles here. it's confusing. the only thing i know for sure is that i should be happy and grateful to receive something, anything.

so why am i not?

~sappy moment~

http://www.nygirlofmydreams.com/

i want to be the girl of someone's dreams...
please find me...

and on that note...

the way you laugh at me is *exactly* the reason why i keep silent. it's the impalpable gasoline that just perfectly fuels the inextinguishable fire of my perception of inadequacy.

thank you, so much.

1, 2, 3

Today I had the piercing epiphany that I have been unable to verbalize for a long time. All of a sudden the concept hit me in the face, swimming upstream through the cascade of your nebulously conceptualized explanation of an equally incomprehensible (uh huh, to moi and moi alone, don't I feel special) blabber.

I'm fraudulently participating in your world.

Too practical for your abstractism, it still takes me a leap of faith to assume you can take me seriously and allow me to pretend a little longer. Just the handful of months it takes me to get out of here, don't worry. I'll be gone before you know it. Or notice it, not that it makes much difference in the grand scheme of your world. Bottom line is, I paid the multiply overpriced ticket which entitles (wtf?) me to a front-row seat, witnessing my own beating ~ psychological, what are you thinking? ~ and I come to terms day after day, talk after talk, with the realization that I'll just never live up to your expectations.

You know what? I'm ok with it.

I learned a long time ago to respectfully bow, and gracefully make myself scarce. One moment I'm here, you see me, you hear me, you smell me, you notice me [stop staring, will ya? i ain't a fish in a bowl, just mildly amusing] you deal with me. One moment I'm here, and the next
I

am

gone

Miss?
me?