Midnight musings

Sometimes it's hard to find the right words. It doesn't matter whether it's your native language or not, the difficulty is the same. The right words are always hard to find. Especially when you deal with people you care so much about. Not to talk about timing... To make things worse, not only you have to find the right words, but you have to say them at the right time, so that you manage not to screw everything up in a split second.

How do you tell someone that you care about them? How do you tell someone how important they are for you? How do you tell someone you are falling in love with them, without them running away or dropping you on the spot like a bad habit? Or should you just steer clear of the "feeling" zone and make it simpler? But making it simpler somehow doesn't work either, because you end up saying less than what you actually think.

Catch 22? I don't think so. I may have questions about how to actually deal with this situation, but I do know that communication is pivotal. I believe that truth brings you farther than lies; even if it's just so that you have been true to yourself. If I care about someone, the minimum I can do for them is tell the truth. Now, whether they accept it or not, it's another story. But why should I lie? Why should I front? Or play games? Here is the plain and simple truth: bla bla bla. I am true to myself, I am true to the person I am talking to, and everything is out there in the open. No second guessing, no hidden agendas, no games, no babble.

Easy huh? Hell no. People who know me, know that I can be honest to the point of being abrasive: I don't hide things, whether I like something/someone or not, I say it. Period. Nor I am able to lie about my own feelings: I've been told over and over that I'm the classic description of an open book. I don't particularly like it, but I live with it.

It's not easy, and it's scary. It is disconcerting to know that you are baring your soul to someone, especially if you are dealing with feelings. You are showing your neck to a potential wolf who can bite down and cut your throat in no time. Showing your chest with a bull's eye on it, waiting for the shot to hit a perfect 10.
But you still do it. Because you hope that the other person sees through your soul and hears your words; because you hope that they will appreciate your honesty; because you hope that they will understand.

Because you hope that they will love you as well.

How do you measure a year?

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It's time now to sing out,
tho the story never ends let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love!
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love! Seasons of love!

(Rent)

Remember when it rained?

Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.

Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.

Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

Remember when it rained.
I felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Remember when it rained.
In the water I remain
Running down
Running down
Running down

(Josh Groban)

Am I wasting my time? Am I waiting for something that will never happen?
For something that exists only in my dreams?
Will I ever learn never to play with fire? Never to let anybody so close to my soul?

It feels like my brain is tuned 24/7 to the same radio station.

It's like I can't breathe, sometimes. Like I'm drowning and I look up for a hand to hold, to rescue me from this situation, one way or the other. But it's easy to look the other way.
And I'm left to figure this out on my own, and brace myself to pick up all the little pieces my soul may end up being shattered into...

Will I ever learn?

But it's not a matter of learning, unfortunately. It's a matter of being true to myself, to how I am.
This is what I am. This is how I am.
And I like to be able to listen to my heart.