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Aveva a che fare con la serenità e con la speranza. Tutto quello che cerchiamo, no? Un posto nel mondo da cui non desiderare di andare via, qualcosa di bello alle porte, ma più bello ancora mentre lo immaginiamo, accucciati in quel luogo che, se siamo fortunati, è un abbraccio. Romantico? Io? Nei giorni dispari. Ma so contare solo fino a uno. I progetti a medio termine mi affaticano, quelli a lungo non li considero. Non mi sono mai aspettato molto da me stesso, non avevo la pazienza per farlo. E' venuto fuori che ho già fatto più di quanto mi sarei mai potuto attendere se mi fossi messo lì, alla stazione delle illusioni, ad aspettare il treno che passa una volta sola. Credo ai passaggi circolari. Prima o poi, anche i treni tornano. Sono trenini giocattolo, la rotaia va in tondo. Siamo seri, stiamo giocando.

[Gabriele Romagnoli]

(It had to do with tranquility and hope. That’s all we look for, no? A place in the world from where we never want to leave, something beautiful at your door, that looks even better while we imagine it, nestled in that place which, if we’re lucky, is a warm hug. Romantic? Me? Only on odd days. But I can only count to one. Mid-term projects wear me out; I don’t even consider long-term ones. I never expected much from myself, I wasn’t patient enough. It turned out I already did more than I could expect for myself even if I had sat there, at delusion station, waiting for the once-in-a-lifetime train. I believe in circular motion. Sooner or later, even trains come by again. They're toy trains; the track's a circle. Let’s be serious, we’re playing.)

Forgive ~ part III

it did backfire. not quite unexpectedly, but i guess one (i?) never stops hoping. i tried, at least i can say that. i feel abysmally stupid for even trying now, what did i think i'd accomplish? and it hurts, it's like being pushed under water and not given the chance to stock up on oxygen. being stabbed. strangled, rather. no other way to put it, unfortunately. it took a while to get to this point, to be able to forgive and try to give some relief to who had asked for forgiveness. i was so stupid to really, honestly, deeply think it was the right thing to do, that it was an act of civility to offer forgiveness, to offer a hand, that it was morally right. and what did i get? venom, recrimination, accusations, anger, jealousy, hatred.

then what's the point? now all this has accomplished is that it made me regret doing what i thought was right. made me regret trying. made me regret being what i am. and what is the point in trying to do well by people, in trying to be a decent human being, if all it brings is pain?

will i ever stop being so naive?

hfd

I don't.
I just envy them.

free

2D freedom
only goes
as far
as
the border
of the
page

wrong turn?

where did i go wrong?
which turn did i miss?
which gut feeling didn't i pursue?
which open window did i ignore?

why does it feel like i'm always too little too late?
why does it feel like i'm in the right place, but at the wrong time?

why does it seem like people trying to comfort end up saying the same (painful) things over and over?

it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife

give me a word to keep me warm at night...

Forgive ~ part II

I have offered forgiveness, and even though it feels like a brick has been lifted off my stomach (I profoundly despise grudges), I sincerely hope it doesn't backfire.

I just wish it'll offer relief, closure, hope, insight, to all the people involved.

Enough about me ~ let's talk about you for a minute

If I could sit with you, if I could talk to you, if I could bring myself to look at you in the eyes without feeling the throbbing of the knife still comfortably lodged in my chest, I really don't know where I'd start from. There are just too many questions, too many unanswered uncertainties, and I know I'd open my mouth, attempt to speak, and the words would die in my mouth, sucked back down the throat by the grabbing, blood-soaked claws of pain swallowed for way too long.

I'd ask you why.
I'd ask you if caring about me really has to be so damn hard.
I'd ask you if your fear is so overwhelming that it can wipe away any attachment to me.
I'd ask you why you were never there to dry my tears.
I'd ask you if you ever even saw my tears.
Or heard my cries.

I'd tell you that, in spite of the pain, constant and piercing, I am unable to sever the invisible rope that ties me to you.
I'd tell you that there's not a single day in which I don't think of you, pray for your safety, or your happiness.
I'd tell you that there's not a single day in which I don't imagine your smile, hear the crisp, deep, familiar sound of your voice, see the shape of your hands.

When're you gonna make up your mind?
When're you gonna love you as much as I do?
When're you gonna make up your mind?
'Cause things are gonna change so fast

I'd ask you if you ever think about me.
I'd ask you if I ever cross your mind at night, before you fall asleep.
I'd ask you if I ever cross your mind in the morning, when you wake up.
I'd ask you if you'll ever share your secrets with me, let me in, instead of locking me out.
I'd ask you if you ever miss me.

I'd tell you that so many songs speak to me about you.
I'd tell you that many times I wanted to call you, just to hear your voice.
I'd tell you about my fears, and dreams, and random thoughts that never find their space on a page.
I'd tell you that your indifference tears me into pieces.
Every day a bit more.

And I wonder if it even makes a difference to try.
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry.

~ il tempo e' tiranno ~

what's the use

if you are

always

too late?

?

Bonne chance...

Close your eyes and roll a dice
Under the board there's a compromise
If after all we only live twice
Which life’s the run road to paradise?

Don't say a word, here comes the break of the day
In white clouds of sand raised by the wind of the end of May

Close your eyes and make a bet
Face to the glare of the sunset
This is about as far as we get
You haven't seen me disguised yet

Don't say a word, here comes the break of the day
In white clouds of sand raised by the wind of the end of May

Close your eyes and make a wish
Under the stone there's a stonefish
Hold your breath then roll the dice
It might be the run road to paradise

Don't say a word, here comes the break of the day
In white clouds of sand raised by the wind of the end... of May

(K.A.)

Limits

Ever experienced one of those days when you think "ok, this is it"? When you think you have reached your limit? When the glass is full and it's about to tip over? When you get to the closed door at the end of the hallway? When you reach the bottom of the hole?

And then you stop.
Breathe.
Once. Twice.
Realize that, in fact, all you need to do is dig deeper.
Open the closed door.
Pour some liquid out of the glass.
Move your limit a bit further down the path.

Keep going.

And enjoy the pleasure of discovering that, after all, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Dearest Santa...

... i know it's a bit on the early side, but i decided what i'd like to receive for christmas this year:


possibly implanted in my brain.
thank you.

Dreaming

The dream is this: that we’ll finally be happy when we reach our goals.
Then we get there.
And if we’re human, we immediately start dreaming of something else.
Because if this is the dream, we’d like to wake up.
Now, please.

We convince ourselves that it’s better if we never dream at all, but the strongest of us, the most determined of us, we hold on to the dream.
Or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered.
We awake finding ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful.

And if we’re lucky we realize, in the face of everything, in the face of life, that the true dream is being able to dream at all.

(G.A.)

Enough said

I'm in love...

... but which one to pick????


(Koenigsegg CCX)

(Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 Roadster)

Se è vero che ad ogni rinuncia
corrisponde una contropartita
considerevole,
privarsi dell’anima
comporterebbe
una lauta ricompensa...

(CC)

Forgive?

Easter is over - time for introspection, time for penance, and time of rebirth. When the death (and resurrection) of a man washed away the sins of millions, at the story has it.

A man, in Italy, decided to walk 430 miles, pushing a handmade cart onto which he glued images of saints and sinners, the Virgin and John Lennon; he's walking all the way to Rome to ask for forgiveness. Not the Pope's, mind you: he hopes to win back his woman, who abandoned him after he raised his hands on her in anger. He acknowledged his mistake, and thought that saying "I'm sorry" to his now ex-girlfriend wouldn't be enough, given the enormity of his act. His humanity died the moment he raised his hands on her, and a second time when she left. Now he hopes in forgiveness, and rebirth.

I wonder if I'm just touched by this guy's determination, or if there comes a moment in life when you have to forgive, to be able to let go. It is not easy, for at times it is the grudge itself that enables you to remember the pain, and therefore fuels itself by not allowing you to forget. Or forgive whomever inflicted pain.

I know I can't forget. Maybe with time the memory will be diluted and scarves and green led lights will regain their status of "random objects". With time, it will feel more like a bad dream rather than a real nightmare.

But forgive? Can I do that?
Am I strong enough to forgive?
And let go?

Is my forgiveness somebody else's rebirth?

Now I lay me down to sleep...

drain my water,
so that i cannot shed any tears

exhaust my oxygen,
so that my flame stops burning

empty my veins,
so that my soul won't bleed

stop my brain,
so that no thoughts can haunt me

petrify my heart,
so that i cannot feel anymore

take me out of this misery
soon
whoever you are
i pray you

please