on days like today i feel like such a waste of space and oxygen...

little girl, crying alone on the grass... i feel your pain.

some days

some days you wake up early, not quite rested, and can't go back to sleep. thoughts start flowing into your brain against your will, seeping like a poisonous oil that prevents you from closing your eyes and drift back into safety, into numbness. thoughts that make you realize, clear as day, like a slap on the face, what is going on, what you have been trying to avoid, what you do not want to see. thoughts that answer the call for the sign you have been waiting for. that clarity that has the uncanny, unwelcome ability to ruin days, if not weeks, at a time.

wake up call.

is it time to go?

not like anybody would notice. or care.

finally~

i always knew i was a night owl, that my brain works much better at night, in silence, away from the distraction of daylight life... it had been a long, long time since i last experienced the bliss of a) understanding, let alone b) agreeing with a scholarly piece of writing, and c) finding the inspiration to write scholarly pieces myself.

tonight, i can go to bed happy, having found:

a) an article i like, well-written, concise, to the point, clear;

b) a way to tie together my dissertation proposal;

c) an authoritative voice to help me in my battle against those who believe that translation is easy, unimportant, and unrelated to the field of comparative literature (more people than i thought, sadly...)

d) a nice incipit for the dissertation.

[and as a side note, e) produced a few pages to get the editor off my back for a couple more days]

oh joy... heh, it's a small thing, but i'll indulge in the happy moment :)

bring on the wonder

some of us

some of us laugh

some of us cry

some of us smoke

some of us lie

but it's all just the way

that we cope with our lives

?

what's worse: knowing i've been lied to, or pretending i don't know about it?

...

i tried.
and failed.
again.

don't know

don't know how to react anymore, or what to say. asked to understand and accept something that is never explained. asked to keep doing something that is always turned down. asked to quit doing something only to be berated later for having stopped. offer unconditional friendship and love, only to be told there's nobody who cares.

a tiny vessel full of questions in a silent sea. must be a bad friend for being replaced so easily and quickly, for being second choice when not third or fourth. for being so easy to let down and leave aside without remorse or second thoughts.

i'll go back on the shelf now, gathering dust til next time you decide you need me.

wings

- we can have anything!

- no, we can't. we can aspire to anything, but we don't get it just because we want it... i'd rather spend my life close to the birds rather than waste it wishing i had wings...

one liner

i: [quizzical] "a.f.i.?"

n: [matter-of-factly] "a fire inside"

i: [puzzled] "i don't understand, how can you have a fire inside?"

a: [grinning] "that's because you only talk to her"

that's right.

i can stand to be humbled. i can stand to be hurt.

but i can't stand to be humiliated.

have you seen that girl

have you seen that girl
that everybody says i used to be
have you seen that girl
where along the way did i lose me?

[l.a.w.]

[photo by sdq]

angel

people like you are the reason people (like me) still have some faith in humanity.

thank you.

and bless your kind, generous heart.

le diga, por favor, que dios le bendiga, que es nuestro angel.

tonight, you're mine, too.

speeding cars

here's the day you hoped would never come / don't feed me violins, just run with me through rows of speeding cars / the papercuts, the cheating lovers / the coffee's never strong enough / i know you think it's more than just bad luck / there, there, baby, it's just textbook stuff / it's in the ABC of growing up / now, now, darlin', oh don't lose your head / 'cause none of us were angels...

now what?

i've become that person. the one i feared i would become, years ago.

i need a me, for me. the one i wish i had had, years ago.

now what?

they'll never know

and i’m talking to myself at night
because i can’t forget
back and forth through my mind
behind a cigarette
and the message coming from my eyes
says leave it alone

[TWS]

i wasn't here

i wrote stories

i told dreams

i dreamt of wars

where did i die?

at page 200?

at 3 am?

at the outskirts of kabul?

who buried me?

the reader's hand?

my wife's caress?

the enemy's bulldozer?

when will i be born again?

in the next chapter?

with sunrise reveille?

in the spring weeds?

will you recognize me?

i'll speak to you between the lines

i'll touch you lightly in your sleep

i'll give you my weapons

will you remember me?

i wrote stories

i told dreams

i dreamt of wars

when was i alive?

when i wasn't writing

when i wasn't dreaming

when i wasn't dying

when i wasn't here

[gabriele romagnoli ~ http://tinyurl.com/cq376k]

this is the marriage of silence and love

asked for a sign for yes or no

got three

one louder than the other

be careful what you wish for?

between the lines of fear and blame

what are you willing to do

to protect?

had i known how to save a life

[whose?]

fingers bleed in picking up pieces of what's left

words written or said

never heard

never read

ignorance

is

bliss

hide behind the curtain to play the needed tricks

detangling the knots

never known

never seen

speak now, or forever hold your breath.

if you do, you know where i lay.

got keys?

the human heart has hidden treasures,

in secret kept, in silence sealed;

the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

whose charms were broken if revealed.

[charlotte bronte]

i put a lock on my heart to guard an infinite abyss...