stop

stop to pain and heartache, to sadness and tears.
do not cross with me into the new year.

stop to pettiness, lies, anger, fear, secrets, painful silences, discomfort, impatience, selfishness, lovelessness, misplaced trust, deceit, backstabbing, inconstant friendships, blindness.

stop to crushed dreams and hopes; stop to loneliness and abandonment; stop to opportunism and falseness.

stop. do not cross with me into the new year. i've had enough of you. you brought me to my knees, and others to theirs. i beg forgiveness if i failed to protect and save those i care about. i hope i paid my debt.

as of today, i've been here 3 times over the break, and for the 3rd time i'll be alone.

~ it's been a long december, and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last ~

to all of you out there:

be loved.
be happy.
be safe.

farewell~

the heart asks pleasure first-the promise/the sacrifice

the heart asks pleasure first
and then, excuse from pain-
and then, those little anodynes
that deaden suffering;

and then, to go to sleep;
and then, if it should be
the will of its inquisitor,
the liberty to die.


[words by emily dickinson, music by michael nyman]

it's all the same...

... yet not quite so.


something's missing.

and its absence is louder than words.

vorrei avere il becco

vorrei avere il becco / per accontentarmi delle briciole / concentrato e molto attento / si, ma con la testa fra le nuvole / capire i sentimenti quando nascono e quando muoiono / perciò vorrei avere i sensi per sentire il pericolo / se tutti quanti lo sanno ma hanno paura che l'amore è un inganno [...] più o meno come fa un piccione / e mica come le persone che a causa dei particolari / mandano per aria sogni e grandi amori [...] noi però alla fine resteremo insieme / più o meno come fa un piccione / l'amore sopra il cornicione / ti starò vicino nei momenti di crisi / e lontano quando me lo chiedi / dimmi che ci credi / ci sveglieremo la mattina, due cuori sotto una campana...

como agua para chocolate

Mi abuela, Luz Del Amanecer, una india Kikapoo, decía que todos nacemos con una caja de fósforos en nuestro interior y que no los podemos encender nosotros solos. Necesitamos, como en este experimento, del oxígeno y de la ayuda de una vela. Sólo que en nuestro caso, el oxígeno debe provenir por ejemplo del aliento de la persona amada. La luz de la vela puede ser cualquier cosa, una melodía, una palabra, una caricia, un sonido. Algo que dispare el detonador y encienda una de las cerillas. Cada persona tiene entonces que descubrir cuáles son sus detonadores para poder vivir, ya que la combustión que se realiza al encenderse uno de ellos, es lo que nutre de energía al alma. Si no hay detonador para los fósforos entonces la caja de cerillas se humedece y ya nunca podremos encender uno solo de ellos. Si eso llega a pasar el alma huye de nuestro cuerpo, camina errante por las tinieblas más profundas tratando vanamente de encontrar alimento por sí misma, ignorante de que sólo el cuerpo que ha dejado inerme, lleno de frío, es el único que podría dárselo. Por eso hay que permanecer alejados de personas que tengan un aliento gélido. Su sola presencia podría apagar el fuego más intenso. Mientras más distancia tomemos de estas personas, será más fácil protegernos de su soplo. El alma desea integrarse al lugar donde proviene, dejando al cuerpo inerte. Hay muchas maneras de poner a secar una caja de cerillas húmeda. Se puede estar seguro que sí tiene remedio, claro que también es muy importante encender las cerillas una por una, ya que si por una intensa emoción llegamos a encender todas de un solo golpe, se produce un resplandor tan fuerte que aparece ante nuestros ojos un túnel, esplendoroso, que nos muestra el camino que olvidamos al nacer y que a la vez nos llama a reencontrar nuestro perdido origen divino.

heal for the honey

points of light
shootin' through the tree-stained vines
it draws me in
to catch a fistful of wind and chime
[...]
poised, unrefined
delicate and loosely lined
oh i am a dreamer
but i'll deny it til' the day i die

come se il mondo...

a volte mi manchi, e ancora fa male / sarebbe una balla se dicessi di no / ma alla terza bottiglia si diventa più saggi / il dolore lo sai prima o poi svanirà / e allora brindo alla vita e a ciò che ci porta / bevo agli amici, ai compagni, anche a me / in un'osteria calda tra le nebbie e la bassa / dove posso sentirmi quasi come se...

... come se il mondo finisse stanotte...

[per r.]

random rant

want to tell me a lie? want to give me an excuse?
better be a damn good one, either way.
i always find out.
1- if you're my student, makes you look just the more pathetic and self-entitled, and it only exponentially increases my annoyance with you.
2- if you're my friend, it just &%@$*$# hurts. and there's only a handful of things more emotionally exhausting than pretending to be none the wiser.

12

if there is a heaven
i know you're there

thankful for...

1. the strength to carry on
2. the certainty that night will come, and then morning, and then night...
3. forgiveness
4. ...

replaceable

replaceable
it's cynical
call me useless
just you wait
put me down
and call it fate

the end

this is the end
beautiful friend
this is the end
my only friend,
the end

circus lights

more light, more heat
are you asking me
to take you, hold you, show you more
more light, more heat
if you're asking me
i'll be there, when these circus lights go out

worth the price

stairway to heaven^-1

oggi è domani è oggi

... se anche noi, ogni tanto, ci ricordassimo che è giustappunto verso una fine comunque ingloriosa che corriamo, può darsi che passeremmo molto più tempo a mangiare dolcetti che invece dovremmo serbare, piuttosto che angustiarci l’oggi impedendoci di fare qualsiasi cosa in nome di un domani che non si capisce bene quand’è che arriverà (arriverà?).

[original here]

suo gân ~ part II

Paid ag ofni, dim ond deilen
Gura, gura ar y ddôr
Paid ag ofni, ton fach unig
Sua, sua ar lan y môr
Huna blentyn, nid oes yma
Ddim i roddi iti fraw
Gwena'n dawel yn fy mynwes
Ar yr engyl gwynion draw

suo gân

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat
Cariad mam sy dan fy mron
Ni cha' dim amharu'th gyntun
Ni wna undyn â thi gam

look no further

til death do us part

and even then
maybe not

remember the tinman

there are locks on the doors
and chains stretched across
all the entries to the inside
there's a gate and a fence
and bars to protect
from only God knows what lurks outside

vela/r/s/e

el cuarto de Tula, le cogiò candela

se quedò dormida y no apagò la vela...

this night

there are things/i have done/there's a place/i have gone
there's a beast/and i let it run/now it's running my way
[...]
so take this night/wrap it around me like a sheet
i know i'm not forgiven/but i need a place to sleep
so take this night/and lay me down on the street
i know i'm not forgiven/but i hope that i'll be given some peace

the marriage

fall

sitting on a platform

i could wait around all year...


should i...

should i...

... leave?

chasing pavements

should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if it leads nowhere?

or would it be a waste
even if i knew my place
should i leave it there?

fallen

Waiting on an angel / One to carry me home / Hope you come to see me soon / Cause I don't want to go alone / Now angel won't you come by me / Angel hear my plea / Take my hand lift me up / So that I can fly with thee / And I'm waiting on an angel / And I know it won't be long / To find myself a resting place / In my angel's arms / So speak kind to a stranger / Cause you'll never know / It just might be an angel come / Knockin at your door / And I'm waiting on an angel / And I know it won't be long / To find myself a resting place / In my angel's arms / Waiting on an angel / One to carry me home / Hope you come to see me soon / Cause I don't want to go alone

was i mistaken?

history repeats itself.
14 years later, but still.
jump on the rollercoaster, this ride was paid in advance.

takes two to tango

now i send back letters from the wasteland home
where i slow dance to this romance on my own
it may be two to tango, but boy it's one to let go
it's just one to let go

shelter

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

i leave my bed unmade

i leave my bed unmade
every time i enter the room, someone different is making it
someone who stays for a while
sharing a word
or just a gaze
worth a million discourses
we speak the language of dreams
they come from distant days
wearing clothes weaved with tears
of abandonment and fear
they enter with the breeze of summer days
of a world that doesn't exist
the leftovers of dreamless nights
companions of fearless times
ghosts of long-gone days
they don't stay long (i wonder why)
but after all
they never leave

how much for a ride?

spinning carousel returns the same old horse again
ramble on and on, the thoughts that fill my head
sometimes i wake up, there's nothing there but emptiness
so i search myself for what there was to do
cause she was his lover, she was his friend / he was her everything, someone to depend / when she wakes up in the mornin', and all his things are gone / she looks into the mirror, thinkin' what did i do wrong? [...] everyday has its ups and downs, you think you're lost, you will be found / most of us want the same old things, someone to love, what it brings / i know it's hard, it gets tough sometimes, you gotta hold on, like a carousel / going around and around and around and around...

follow the light

prison break

trapped

tempus fugit

4/7

of something

so precious
so unique
so beautiful

all is left

is ashes

'cause you bleed red and so do i

h2o

cold water, cleaning my wounds
a side parade, with a single balloon
i'm done with this, i'm counting to ten
blue as seas, running to them

i feel like i am watching everything from space
and in a minute i hear my name and i wake
i think the finish line's a good place we could start
take a deep breath, take in all that you could want

til it runs dry

i never knew the taste of blood till now
it's clear i never should have known
breathing fire was never this much fun
so there's a dark side in us all

keep walking

the only way out is through
the faster we're in, the better
the only way out is through
ultimately

protect me

i can't fly
when it rains

save me

don't let me
drown

ohm is where the heart is

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way.
She felt it everyday.

Her feelings she hides. Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind. She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place. She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace. She's all over the place.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

20/20

this fountain of regret,
this looking back with twenty-twenty
torturous hindsight
if i knew then what i know now
this mountain of remorse
won’t repeat with my understanding
this wouldn’t have happened
if i knew then what i know now

cycles

when i remember bygone days
i think how evening follows morn;
so many i loved were not yet dead,
so many i love where not yet born

[o.n.]

cum tacent, clamant

hopefully...

... today it will be over.

somewhere, over the rainbow...

los angeles

[photo by john hesketh]



i want to be an angel...

~ two suicides ~

roadside

and tell me how i'm supposed to feel
when all these nightmares become real
'cause i don't know
...
so leave me on the roadside
and hang me up and out to dry

[r.a.]